Category Archives: Words from the Wife
So, do you know anyone that, when stressed or trying to work through something, talks it through out loud or “bitches” about whatever it is until you cannot stand it any longer?
I do. Mr. Steel is like that.
Whenever he is frustrated or trying to work through something, usually our budget, he will talk it out…out loud. He is usually a very calm person, taking life in stride, but when it comes to hurdling a problem he MUST talk it out so the whole house can hear him and hear his frustration. This used to really bring my mood down. Why? Because it used to make me feel like he was “bitching” at me and that would trigger something inside of me, something haunting me from my past. I would just sit quietly by until I couldn’t take it any longer, usually an hour or two, and then I would get defensive. I mean, I would get anxious and down right pissy towards him, this would then in turn get the kids anxious and out of sorts too. I finally talked to him about this and he just didn’t seem to get it. He would look at me like I was the crazy one and tell me I was too sensitive. Maybe I was, but that didn’t seem to make it OK…you know?
Well, after about a year of dealing with this, I realized there was a pattern to his “madness”. I had to step back and really pay attention to what was going on and when. I noticed that he only did this when he was really struggling to work through something, a project or, like I said, our budget. I also noticed that once I gave him his space and time it only took him a few hours (at most a couple of days) to work through the issue and find a solution.
Money issues are the killer in any relationship and if you let it, it will destroy even a good relationship. Once again, I sat him down and we had a talk about this. I started off telling him that yes, I may be sensitive but he had to understand why; so this is when I explained my relationship with my ex-husband, more so than I had ever explained to him before. Mr. Steel knew, from the get go, that my ex was an abuser. The thing was, he didn’t fully know to what extent and that was hard for me to get through, but I did it. Thankfully, Mr. Steel listened…truly listened to what I had to say before he spoke.
It took him about an hour of mulling over everything I had told him before he came back in, sat down and told me this:
He told me that he knew he ranted and raved while trying to work through a problem, but he didn’t understand exactly what he was saying or how he was saying it. (See, it’s not always WHAT someone is saying, but mostly HOW they are saying it that gets under our skin.) He and I made a deal from that day on, that when he started to get a bit “out of hand” I was to tell him and even explain if I had to and he promised that he would truly hear me and made appropriate changes.
It took me a bit to get used to speaking up, another issue that stems from my past relationships, but I did it. You know what? It worked! It actually helped us both to communicate better in our marriage. I think it might have actually saved our marriage. We also made a pact to never argue about money, I mean, it’s either there or it’s not so what is to argue about? Arguing won’t make money suddenly appear, right? That too took a huge load off my shoulders, as I used to always think he was bitching about lack of money and somehow that was my cross to bare.
I have learned many things from my wonderful husband, but this was by far the best ever! People think we are crazy because we hardly ever argue and when it comes to money, we NEVER argue. We have had spats, of course, everyone does…and we can frustrate the hell out of one another and again, that comes along with being in a relationship; we just prefer to talk things out like rational adults. (Yes, there have been times that one of us has had to walk away for a time before coming back and being that rational adult…usually it is me.) 🙂
So, the lesson here is this: LISTEN to one another, TALK to one another…if you have to walk away to calm down, then please do so, it really does matter. And, realize what I did…money isn’t the issue, the issue is how you support one another through the highs and the lows. He is right, the money is either going to be there or it’s not…there is no in-between. You cannot change that fact, so why let it weigh you down and wreck havoc in your relationship?
This is just me rambling tonight…but I hope I helped even one of you with my “sage” advice.
There. I said it. I am a HUGE procrastinator, but I’m not alone as Mr. Steel is too. No, this is not a good thing, a marriage with two procrastinators is HORRIBLE! To be honest with you, I have pretty much been a P’nator most of my life and am now, at the age of 44, regretting and being bitten in the arse all at the same time because of it. Mr. Steel has gotten worse over the last several years, it actually started to get bad once we moved into the house we are in now. *I blame moving into this house for A LOT of bad things, seriously.*
We have been wanting to buy our own home for years. At one point, about 10 years ago we had found out that all we had to do was clear up 4 things on Mr. Steels credit and we could get a loan through Sallie Mae…yes, the college loan people. BUT, then things happened. Mr. Steel had to have a couple of surgeries, My migraines got worse and I was not able to do much of anything for almost a year, we moved, we bought a vehicle that due to cutbacks in hours at Mr. Steel’s job we had to let go of and the list goes on.
Once I graduated from College with my Degree in Medical Assisting we decided that I would work and we would bank my pay checks and pay off debt with them, in hopes of being able to clear our credit within a year or two. Well, then my heart decided it was going to have more issues. UGH! By this time we had moved into the current house and I’m serious when I tell you, if you have doubts about moving into a home/apartment or whatever…LISTEN to your gut. (sigh) Anyway, I digress.
So, here we are 7 years into this house and we FINALLY got off our asses and started making inquiries about buying a home of our own. Come to find out, things are not as bad as we had thought. (YAY!) We still have a couple of things to clear off of Mr. Steel’s credit, but it is quite doable…within the next years time. (DOUBLE YAY!) So, what is the issue, you ask? Well…
Being excellent P’nators, both of us at this time, we have to force ourselves and keep on one another to get things DONE and NOW! I hate feeling like I’m being rushed and I hate even more that it is by my own doing. (smirk)
I KNOW it needs to get done and I KNOW that with Mr. Steel’s work schedule most of it will fall on my shoulders to get it done. I accept that, really I do. (grimace) There is a lot going on with us right now too and that does not help my anxiety one bit. Along with getting the credit sorted out we also have to get the Teen ready to graduate and that means being the “Mean Mom” for the next however long it takes to get her off her butt and do the damn work…OH! And make sure she turns it in. So as of right now she is slated to graduate in October. I pray this holds and it happens. (Please, pray for us.)
There is more that has been going on in our lives, but these things are at the top of the list for us. Man Child is doing well, he is working and paying bills and has a steady serious relationship going with a very nice young lady who also works and pays her bills. 🙂 Smoag, my grand-dragon, is doing quite well too. I hear he is growing A LOT and currently in the middle of shedding once again; he has been living at my parents home and my mom has become pretty proficient in feeding him and he has become a source of company to her, which I think is AWESOME. 🙂 I miss that dang dragon, really I do. (chuckles)
OK, that is it for an update on us. I have more to blog about, but the time is late and my pillow is calling my name. Plus, I have two fur-kids giving me the “come to bed, mama” look. 🙂
Wishing you a wonderful and Blessed day.
Well, when they tell you to go with your instincts they are right, just go with them and be prepared for what you may find. You’re bound to find ANYTHING but the normal, trust me. This is how my Monday morning started, I trusted my instincts and even though I had thought better of it, I went on and listened to my gut and called my mom anyway. *One thing I should mention right now, before we go any further is this: things that my mom say can and will probably contradict themselves throughout this blog and blogs to come as the story unfolds…I have already learned things today that proves that, but they may not make it into this particular blog but may make it into future blogs, so I just wanted to throw it out there for you in case you started to get confused.*
So. I called my mom this morning for an every day casual check in, just to see how things had gone over the weekend; I do this every couple of days actually just to touch base with her and to fill her in on what’s been happening here on our end. We only live about an hour from one another, but we don’t get to see one another but maybe every couple of weeks (especially in the winter months) so it is nice to keep in touch. Any way, I digress…She asked me if I had spoken to my man child recently and I had not so then she asked if I had checked out his girlfriend’s facebook page lately, which again I had not. I explained that the gf and I are not fb friends, I’m not the stalker type of mom, I figured if and when she wanted to open that part of her life up to me she would friend me…no harm and no foul. Well, my mom says these words like they are some kind of magic spell/bad omen: “I think she is trans gendering!”. I must say that I was a bit stunned, I really had no idea that she was even thinking of doing anything remotely like that…NONE. So, I move my mouse of the screen and find her page, which has enough photos for me to get the general gist of what is going on. She has changed her name on her page to a male name and she has changed her appearance to a very manly look, hair cut into a very manly cut; which I will say is a VERY GOOD look on her. She actually makes a very handsome young man, actually a better looking man than she did a woman. Now, I’m not saying she was an ugly young woman, she wasn’t/isn’t, but she just happens to look better as a man. So, if that is what she is going for…success for her.
Now, this is where the call with my mom gets a bit “odd”. (sigh) I asked her how she found this out and she tells me that she saw something that the man child posted on his page and she followed the link back to “his” page and saw the name change and the photos of “his” new look. OK, so she played Sherlock…points for her. 😉 She then starts to fire off these points/questions at me:
- How will this all effect the man child? Well, apparently he is aware of what is going on and he is still with “him”, so I’m guessing they are working through this together.
- What about having children? Mom, “He” is still technically a woman and that is between them…IF they ever come to that point in their relationship.
- How will he deal with what people are going to say about HIM? I don’t know. He will have to handle it or leave. Those are his only 2 options, this will test him more than anything else in life. I will talk to him about this for sure, he has to know that a shit storm of ignorance is about to come both their ways and they have to both be prepared for it. I know his dad and I will have his back for sure.
- Well, I have gay cousins on my dad’s side of the family. OK. But, neither one of them are gay. Trans Gender does not mean gay, mom.
- I wonder how long this has been going on? No clue. Does it matter?
- Yes! It’s not fair if she knew this all this time and does this to him like this! I don’t think there was any “trickery” involved, mom.
Now, to be honest with you, I had thought more and more about the last comment long after I hung up with my mom. That one comment had gotten to me more than the others. Why? Well, what if “he” knew for years that “he” felt more like a man than a woman and had been hiding it? What if “he” went into this relationship with my son knowing that “he” would one day “come out”? Is that fair to my son? Is that fair to “him”? Well, I called my son and I talked to him about this and I was a bit surprised and not really surprised all at the same time at what he told me.
My man child told me that he had a “feeling” for a few months that something was up and they finally talked about it a couple months ago, he does love her/”him” still as the person he knows and right now the gender thing is not so much an issue with him. I get that, I really do. Love is love. That is how I raised my children. Love is Love.
I asked him if he was prepared for the onslaught of ignorance that was bound to come both their way and he assured me that they both were, not that it eased my mind or my heart any, but I have to accept that he feels that they are. No matter what, I stand with my children.
I know that it is quite possible that I will lose friends over this, but then again, were they true friends if they choose to leave over this? My outlook on this is: NO. I cannot make life choices for my grown children, he is an adult and makes his own choices in life and whether or not I agree with them, I will always stand with him in the end. He is my son, my flesh and bone, a part of me…forever. For me, it is that simple. Love is Love.
I have been meaning to write this blog for a while now, but there has been quite a lot of things going on in the SWW home that have kept me busy, too busy to sit down and write clearly that is. But, today I have carved out some much needed time to get this blog out of my brain and into the interwebs to you lovely people…the ones who actually read my blog. 😉
There was quite a bit of feed back (all wonderful by the way) from the blog I did about the Teen and her “coming out” of sorts, and that got me thinking about other things that her, me and her dad talk about concerning the whole gender thing. I must say this, she is extremely patient with us when we come to her with questions. I mean, we are new to this stuff too and I don’t trust everything I read or see on the interwebs, she knows her feelings/body better than anyone so who better to ask questions to…right?
I was talking to her about all the gender roles there are out there now and that I was having an issue keeping them all straight (no pun intended lol), and I really want to make sure that I get them right so when I blog I don’t confuse people any more than I already do or any more than they already may be. (She understands me, thank goodness!) She researched for a couple of days and got back to me with this link:
Here is the list that you will find if you follow that link:
Note: some definitions here may include words you aren’t familiar with, or have been taught a flawed or incomplete definition for; I’ve likely defined those words somewhere else in the list, but if I missed one bring it up in the comments below. Also, be sure to correct me in the comments if I misstepped.
LGBPTTQQIIAA+: any combination of letters attempting to represent all the identities in the queer community, this near-exhaustive one (but not exhaustive) represents Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Pansexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Intergender, Asexual, Ally
Advocate: a person who actively works to end intolerance, educate others, and support social equity for a group
Ally: a straight person who supports queer people
Androgyny: (1) a gender expression that has elements of both masculinity and femininity; (2) occasionally used in place of “intersex” to describe a person with both female and male anatomy
Androsexual/Androphilic: attracted to males, men, and/or masculinity
Asexual: a person who generally does not experience sexual attraction (or very little) to any group of people
Bigender: a person who fluctuates between traditionally “woman” and “man” gender-based behavior and identities, identifying with both genders (and sometimes a third gender)
Binary Gender: a traditional and outdated view of gender, limiting possibilities to “man” and “woman”
Binary Sex: a traditional and outdated view of sex, limiting possibilities to “female” or “male”
Biological sex: the physical anatomy and gendered hormones one is born with, generally described as male, female, or intersex, and often confused with gender
Bisexual: a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction to people of their own gender as well as another gender; often confused for and used in place of “pansexual”
Cisgender: a description for a person whose gender identity, gender expression, and biological sex all align (e.g., man, masculine, and male)
Cis-man: a person who identifies as a man, presents himself masculinely, and has male biological sex, often referred to as simply “man”
Cis-woman: a person who identifies as a woman, presents herself femininely, and has female biological sex, often referred to as simply “woman”
Closeted: a person who is keeping their sexuality or gender identity a secret from many (or any) people, and has yet to “come out of the closet”
Coming Out: the process of revealing your sexuality or gender identity to individuals in your life; often incorrectly thought to be a one-time event, this is a lifelong and sometimes daily process; not to be confused with “outing”
Cross-dressing: wearing clothing that conflicts with the traditional gender expression of your sex and gender identity (e.g., a man wearing a dress) for any one of many reasons, including relaxation, fun, and sexual gratification; often conflated with transsexuality
Drag King: a person who consciously performs “masculinity,” usually in a show or theatre setting, presenting an exaggerated form of masculine expression, often times done by a woman; often confused with “transsexual” or “transvestite”
Drag Queen: a person who consciously performs “femininity,” usually in a show or theatre setting, presenting an exaggerated form of feminine expression, often times done by a man; often confused with “transsexual” or “transvestite”
Dyke: a derogatory slang term used for lesbian women; reclaimed by many lesbian women as a symbol of pride and used as an in-group term
Faggot: a derogatory slang term used for gay men; reclaimed by many gay men as a symbol of pride and used as an in-group term
Female: a person with a specific set of sexual anatomy (e.g., 46,XX phenotype, vagina, ovaries, uterus, breasts, higher levels of estrogen, fine body hair) pursuant to this label
Fluid(ity): generally with another term attached, like gender-fluid or fluid-sexuality, fluid(ity) describes an identity that is a fluctuating mix of the options available (e.g., man and woman, gay and straight); not to be confused with “transitioning”
FTM/MTF: a person who has undergone medical treatments to change their biological sex (Female To Male, or Male To Female), often times to align it with their gender identity; often confused with “trans-man”/”trans-woman”
Gay: a term used to describe a man who is attracted to men, but often used and embraced by women to describe their same-sex relationships as well
Gender Expression: the external display of gender, through a combination of dress, demeanor, social behavior, and other factors, generally measured on a scale of masculinity and femininity
Gender Identity: the internal perception of an individual’s gender, and how they label themselves
Genderless: a person who does not identify with any gender
Genderqueer: (1) a blanket term used to describe people whose gender falls outside of the gender binary; (2) a person who identifies as both a man and a woman, or as neither a man nor a woman; often used in exchange with “transgender”
Gynesexual/Gynephilic: attracted to females, women, and/or femininity
Hermaphrodite: an outdated medical term used to describe someone who is intersex; not used today as it is considered to be medically stigmatizing, and also misleading as it means a person who is 100% male and female, a biological impossibility for humans
Heterosexism: behavior that grants preferential treatment to heterosexual people, reinforces the idea that heterosexuality is somehow better or more “right” than queerness, or ignores/doesn’t address queerness as existing
Heterosexual: a medical definition for a person who is attracted to someone with the other gender (or, literally, biological sex) than they have; often referred to as “straight”
Homophobia: fear, anger, intolerance, resentment, or discomfort with queer people, often focused inwardly as one begins to question their own sexuality
Homosexual: a medical definition for a person who is attracted to someone with the same gender (or, literally, biological sex) they have, this is considered an offensive/stigmatizing term by many members of the queer community; often used incorrectly in place of “lesbian” or “gay”
Hypersex(ual/-ity): a sexual attraction with intensity bordering on insatiability or addiction; recently dismissed as a non-medical condition by the American Psychiatric Association when it was proposed to be included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders version 5.
Intersex: a person with a set of sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit within the labels of female or male (e.g., 47,XXY phenotype, uterus, and penis)
Male: a person with a specific set of sexual anatomy (e.g., 46,XY phenotype, penis, testis, higher levels of testosterone, coarse body hair, facial hair) pursuant to this label
Outing [someone]: when someone reveals another person’s sexuality or gender identity to an individual or group, often without the person’s consent or approval; not to be confused with “coming out”
Pansexual: a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions
Queer: (1) historically, this was a derogatory slang term used to identify LGBTQ+ people; (2) a term that has been embraced and reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ community as a symbol of pride, representing all individuals who fall out of the gender and sexuality “norms”
Questioning: the process of exploring one’s own sexual orientation, investigating influences that may come from their family, religious upbringing, and internal motivations
Same Gender Loving (SGL): a phrase coined by the African American/Black queer communities used as an alternative for “gay” and “lesbian” by people who may see those as terms of the White queer community
Sexual Orientation: the type of sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction one feels for others, often labeled based on the gender relationship between the person and the people they are attracted to; often mistakenly referred to as “sexual preference”
Sexual Preference: (1) generally when this term is used, it is being mistakenly interchanged with “sexual orientation,” creating an illusion that one has a choice (or “preference”) in who they are attracted to; (2) the types of sexual intercourse, stimulation, and gratification one likes to receive and participate in
Skoliosexual: attracted to genderqueer and transsexual people and expressions (people who aren’t identified as cisgender)
Straight: a man or woman who is attracted to people of the other binary gender than themselves; often referred to as “heterosexual”
Third Gender: (1) a person who does not identify with the traditional genders of “man” or “woman,” but identifies with another gender; (2) the gender category available in societies that recognize three or more genders
Transgender: a blanket term used to describe all people who are not cisgender; occasionally used as “transgendered” but the “ed” is misleading, as it implies something happened to the person to make them transgender, which is not the case
Transitioning: a term used to describe the process of moving from one sex/gender to another, sometimes this is done by hormone or surgical treatments
Transsexual: a person whose gender identity is the binary opposite of their biological sex, who may undergo medical treatments to change their biological sex, often times to align it with their gender identity, or they may live their lives as the opposite sex; often confused with “trans-man”/”trans-woman”
Transvestite: a person who dresses as the binary opposite gender expression (“cross-dresses”) for any one of many reasons, including relaxation, fun, and sexual gratification; often called a “cross-dresser,” and often confused with “transsexual”
Trans-man: a person who was assigned a female sex at birth, but identifies as a man; often confused with “transsexual man” or “FTM”
Trans-woman: a person who was assigned a male sex at birth, but identifies as a woman; often confused with “transsexual woman” or “MTF”
Two-Spirit: a term traditionally used by Native American people to recognize individuals who possess qualities or fulfill roles of both genders
I think there are still some missing and I am not done looking, but I think this will help for right now. I know that there are some readers who are trying to “come out” to their family/friends and I hope that maybe some terms on this list will help them word things a bit better so as not to confuse themselves or the other parties too much; also, other parents who are trying to understand their own children hopefully will be able to follow along better now….I know it has helped me to understand a few things better. 🙂
I think that the way I was raised, I was raised “Hippy” by the way, has helped me be so open minded about oh so many things in life. My adoptive father on the other hand, well, even though his mind has opened quite a bit since he and my mom have been married the last 36 years, he was not as fortunate as I was to be raised in such an open environment and it has been a hard road to go with him on certain things…BUT, the Teen is his granddaughter and he does accept her for who she is and does love her unconditionally. What I am trying to say is this folks: No matter what…it may take time…but if the love is truly there, they will come around sooner or later…just don’t give up on them or yourself.
Love and Blessings,
Oh yes I am! It really doesn’t take much to sweep me away into a really good daydream these days, it never really has if we are being honest. Usually it just takes a good book, that is usually how it has always been for me. I can be transported to the pages and time of just about any book I’m reading, I don’t become one of the characters that is in the book, no, I become another character for the book; or I become an onlooker who is just there to observe and not to participate at all.
When I write that is how I like it to be, I like to envision myself as a “ghost” in the story, just hanging around watching and listening as my characters interact with one another. Doing this helps me write conversations and actions that I feel would be more believable to the reader. I get sucked into the story line pretty quickly and well, I love that! I could hang out all day in a good story line and well, I have.
Another way that I daydream is when I meditate. Some people tell me that by doing this I’m meditating wrong, but well, it works for me so they can just shut it. (lol) I imagine myself somewhere quite and peaceful, usually a meadow or however I envision Scotland to look in the summer time and this is where I will imagine myself having a conversation with a loved one or a cherished friend who has already passed on. I can pour my heart and soul out to them and release all my troubles, thus unloading my mind at the same time. When I’m done and I “wake up” I usually feel more relaxed and even more stress free, it is amazing how a really good talk can cleanse the soul.
So, yes, I am a Daydream Believer…are you?
“Your Dad has Cancer.”
Those were the first words my mom said to me after they got back from getting the results of my Dad’s prostate biopsy. I had called her, returning her call that I never heard come through, I said “Hi” when she answered and those were the words she uttered to me over the phone with the pain filing every ounce of her.
In my mind I was thinking, “OK Lu, this is NOT a death sentence. It is his prostate, not his brain or his pancreas, WE will get through this!” What I said to her was this:
“OK, so now we go onto plan B, you are going to call the University Hospital on Monday and get him in for a second opinion, right? Then we will go from there. WE will fight this and WE WILL WIN. Just let him know WE are here for him and WE love him. WE got his back! Love you, call me if you need me. Tell him I love him.”
Right after that phone call ended I took myself into the bathroom and got into the shower and cried. I cried hard and ugly for a long time, I cried until my hot water ran almost cold. The pep talk I gave myself and the talk I gave my mom had worn off and I was numb. This is my DAD! We had only had each other since I was 6 years old, it has not been nearly long enough! Then, I got out of the shower, got dressed, went to my bedroom and prayed to God. I don’t bargain with God, I don’t make promises with God. I just asked him to please don’t let my Dad suffer and to please let this surgery and treatment work. I ask him this every night.
My Dad is in denial, sort of. He knows and understands that he has Cancer, but he doesn’t want to know any specifics of it. He knows that he has to have surgery in July, but again he wants to know no specifics of it. He literally got up, told the Doctor to tell it all to my mom and he walked out of the room. Yeah, he has issues with aging and death. (smh)
So, today when my mom brought me all his test and lab reports and started asking me questions about the numbers and such he got pissed because he didn’t want to hear ANYTHING. We had to go into their bedroom and shut the door so I could explain all the numbers and all the notes the Doctors had given her; I get that he is scared, but being a baby about it is not going to make things easier or make things go away. I so wanted to march out to him and shake him and tell him this, but well, it is Father’s Day and I didn’t want to mar the day. (sigh) His day with me is coming though, trust and believe that!
As I sat there going over the Doctor’s notes my heart started to sink and I almost started to regret my Degree and my knowledge of the medical world. The test results and the notes were telling me things were more serious than I was first lead to believe. My dad’s prostate is more than 80% covered by the Cancer and parts of it have even been eaten away by the Cancer. The type of Cancer he has is a very aggressive Cancer and only 2.5% of prostate cancer patients get it, yeah, only my Dad. (smh) I didn’t want to alarm my mom, but it was soon clear that she was under no delusions about what was going on; which was actually a relief to me, I mean one person in denial is all i can handle right now.
I decided today that I am going to start something, I am going to start buying my dad all things Iron Man. Yup, IRON FUCKING MAN! I also decided today that my Dad IS going to beat the shit out of this Cancer. How do I know this? Well, because to me and my kids my Dad is IRON FUCKING MAN! Yup.
I have NEVER lost a patient on my shift…NEVER. EVER. In the last 25 years of being in the medical field (of some kind) I have never ever lost a patient on my shift and no way in hell am I going to start now, not with my own Dad. FUCK. THAT!
So, until I can shake the fight into the man, I will be doing the fighting for the both of us. I am not going to sit here and lie to you, I am scared shit-less, but I have been in worse spots in my life and I have walked away like WONDER FUCKING WOMAN and this time I will be bringing IRON MAN out with me! 😉
When you came along I was already a bratty kid with a pre-formed notion of what a dad was, and to be honest it was not a good notion. To me, at the young age of 6 years old, a Dad was a guy who was in and out of my life at the drop of a hat. He came and went with the wind, he was like a fleeting dream; sometimes there would come flashes of good memories and then sometimes in the deep darkness of my 6 year old mind there would come the bad and painful memories that I would try to push down deep and try to forget. I was a very angry 6 year old child, but tried not to show it so I wouldn’t hurt other peoples feelings.
When you came along and made it clear that you wanted to make a family with my mom and me I wasn’t too sure what to make of that. I mean, I wasn’t so sure if trusting you was a smart thing for me to do or not. You gave every effort to include me into your life, into the decisions that you and mom were making and yeah, that made me feel a bit better but, well, I was still a very angry child.
But, here is the thing Dad, I was never angry at you. I know that over the years it may have seemed that I was angry with or at you, but I wasn’t. I was mad at everyone else, but never you. I just never knew how to express that to you. At first, for many years, I was mad at mom. Why? Because, deep down inside my child sized brain, I figured that there had to be blame to be placed on her for why things went the way they did with my father and her. I was mad as hell at him too, trust and believe I was mad at him for oh so many years, too many to count really. But, because he was not there to express it to or take it out on and you and mom were, that is where my anger went…you and mom.
You would think that as the years went on that I would have gotten over it all, huh? Anger is a tricky thing I have learned, you can think you got over something but you really haven’t. Anger can trick you into thinking like that, but it is all just a trick. Deep down in the dark recesses of your soul you are still carrying around your hate and anger and every now and again it seeps out and spills over, when you least expect it to.
As I grew up and was supposed to be mature I did some pretty stupid and dumb-ass stuff to you, mom and to my own family, not to mention to myself. I have no excuses, all I can say is that it took me a few years to realize that I did what I did because of years of hurt and anger that I was still holding onto from my childhood and there was only one person to blame for that…Me. I had plenty of opportunities to let it go, to deal with my anger and the reasons behind my anger, but I kept pushing it down and so called “dealing” with it. Yeah, well, that didn’t turn out so well did it?
I want you to know that I am truly sorry for taking advantage of you and mom all those times, for using your kindness, your love against you like that. I know I hurt you, I pissed you off, I disappointed you and I know there are so many other emotions I can add to the list, but those are the top 3.
I keep thinking that if I had just let go of the anger and the hurt all those years ago and just opened my heart up to you from the start and let you in, no holds barred, then it probably would have saved us all a great deal of pain and wasted time. If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be that. You have been a Dad from day one to me, you have always seen me and treated me as yours and dared anyone to say different. I thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart and soul.
It is from you that I learned, after many years…many, many years, what a real man is, how a man should treat a woman and how a Dad should treat his children, blood or not. Blood does not make a family, Love makes a family.
‘Any man can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy’
Thank you for being my Daddy!
Yup, I am playing ‘Secret Word Prompt’ with some of my Bunker Punks and it is kind of amazing that I was given the word that I was given…randomly.
I was not sure if I was going to tell you my word, but the more I thought about it the more I thought I should, as it would make the blog make more sense…or so I think. So, here we go…
My Word Prompt is: HOPE
Hope. We all hope on and for so many things in our lives, through different stages of our lives. As I look back, to my childhood, it makes me laugh to think about the things I had hoped for through my younger years. All the toys I had hoped Santa would bring me, all the times I had hoped my parents would give me a sibling and all the times that I had hoped that my hair would one day turn curly. (it never has btw) As I grew into my teens my hopes turned from the childish to the mildly mature. I had hoped that I would graduate high school, be able to keep my scholarship to Law School, become a great lawyer, marry the great Soldier guy and be a wonderful mother…the kind I always wished I had. Well, I did graduate high school and I did finally graduate College and I am a wonderful mother and I finally married a great guy…but not in my time frame, but that if for a different blog. 😉
It was during my teenage years that I learned about lost hopes. I learned that life doesn’t always work out just because you “hope” it will. I learned that just because you have love in YOUR heart, it doesn’t mean it is in someone else’s. Dreams can be crushed and hope can be lost and it can feel like they are forever lost…especially when you have yet to reach your 21st birthday.
I learned, at an early age, not to put your hopes in someone else. I learned not depend on someone else to make your hopes a reality, that when you do that you will forever be disappointed. That is a very hard lesson to learn, especially when you are young, but it also gives you a hard smack of reality that you just may need to bring you back and to teach you how to keep your hopes for yourself.
When I was with my ex-husband I thought that he would/could make all my hopes a reality, but I was wrong. Through the many, oh so many beatings in the short time we were together, I kept hoping that things would change; again I was wrong. When I got pregnant with my son, I once again hoped that my husband would change and our life would get better and once again I was wrong. I started to lose hope. I spiraled into a depression so dark and full of hopelessness that I never thought I would come out of it. The only thing that I held onto was my unborn child, he was the one thing that I had hope for. Then came the last beating, the worst beating that I have ever had in my life. (It would also be the last beating that I would ever have in my life.) I was just 7 months pregnant and I was in labor, a labor that they couldn’t stop no matter how many drugs they gave me, so my son came into this world 2 months early and without a single cry or sound to be made. That was my moment, my moment of pooling all of my hope into one human being…my son.
The Doctors all suggested that if it was my plan, I should have him Baptized and soon as they didn’t see him living out the first 48 hours. So, I went down to the Hospital Chapel and made arrangements with the Priest to perform the ceremony later that day. I sat there, alone, in the Chapel after talking with the Priest and after years of not having anything to say to God, I had my say. I didn’t curse him like I had thought I would, I didn’t beg him or try to barter with him for my son’s life, I knew none of that would work. All I could think of was to ask that no matter what happened, whether or not my child lived or died, he would not allow my son to do so in pain. I told him that I hoped he knew that through all these years I had not really lost hope in him (God), but in myself. I wanted to push all the hope I had left in me to my son and give him whatever strength I had inside me to fight, to fight to survive.
I don’t know if you believe in Miracles or not, but I do. It’s hard not to look at my now almost 22 year old son and not believe in them. It was just 2 days later that the infection that was ravaging my sons body was gone, his Billirubin count was down to normal (it was up almost 10 times higher than normal at birth) and he was fighting. He was strong enough to pull his I.V. out and he was nursing again. Just 2 days after that, he was cleared to go home…the day before Thanksgiving. Yes, my son gave me back my hope.
I knew that day that even though I was returning to my home with my son and my husband that my son and I would not be there long, that I had a new found strength and hope and I owed it to my son and myself to build on that. I owed it to us to not let anyone tear it down, ever again. So, on Christmas Eve we had our way out and we took it. I brought my son back home to Indiana and started to build a new life for us here, among family and friends who helped us build up our hope and strength.
Since that time I have come so close to losing hope, but then I would look at my son and be reminded that there are things out there that are bigger than us and losing hope is NOT an option. Sure, I have been knocked down (figuratively) from time to time, but I have pulled myself up and moved on only to make things better.
I met a man that I will forever swear was a gift from God, I had a daughter after so many Doctors told me I never would carry a child again and I continue to deal with diseases on a daily basis that try my patience and my hope at every turn. BUT, because of my faith and my hope, I wake up every morning thankful for that morning. I am hopeful that one day I will wake up and not have to fight to move, that I will be able to go months without having to succumb to a migraine and that there will come a day that someone out there will have a cure for the diseases that I fight. Yes, I have so much more hope inside me than I ever thought possible.
We all fight battles that seem hopeless at times, but as long as we wake up and are able to breathe in a breath of air into our lungs, there is hope that those battles will be won. I used to take Hope for granted, I don’t anymore. Hope is precious. Hope is something that should be and needs to be nurtured every day.
OK, so here it is, my hottest topic to date: Is Chivalry sexist?
(I napped this topic off of the show, The View’s Hot Topic segment.)
When I was younger, just a teenager, my dad sat me down and had a talk with me. No, not THE TALK, but a talk that more and more parents should have with their children, or so I believe. He sat me down and explained that even though I was a young lady it was important for me to be able to do things for myself, a man wasn’t 1) always going to be around to help and 2) (the most important one) A man is not a NEED in a woman’s life. Yup, he said it folks…A WOMAN DOES NOT NEED A MAN!!!! (Focus on the word NEED people) It was at that moment that my dad decided that there were certain things that I needed to know and he was determined to teach me…whether I liked it or not.
When I asked my dad WHY he was doing this to me (lol), his answer was simple: I want you to be able to go out into life and not have to rely on another human being for the basic essentials of life. OK then.
My dad made sure I could change a tire, check my oil and other fluids in the car, he made sure I could run a lawn mower (I am pretty sure that was not just for my benefit though. lol), I knew the hows and whys of how the car ran and knew what to do when something went “off” on it. My dad made sure that I understood that nothing was a free ride, I didn’t get an allowance. No, chores were not a way to make money; chores were a way of doing what was expected of you as being a part of the family. But, if I wanted to go to the movies or something with my friends, I was hardly ever denied…as long as my chores were complete and up to their satisfaction. I was also treated fairly, not too much was “given” to me just because I didn’t have a penis. No, life wasn’t fair and wouldn’t go easy on me just because of the whole no penis thing, so neither would my parents.
As I got older and started to seriously date, my dad once again sat me down and said this to me:
“Lu, I know you have been raised to be independent and to be able to do things on your own and even though that is all good, there is something else you need to know…Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should have to do that something.” Yeah, this is where the confused look came over my face and he explained in a hurry…”You have every right to do for yourself and be independent, but you also have the right to be treated like a Lady and have some things done for you by the man in your life.”
AHHHHAH! I got it…finally! Just because I was a woman, didn’t mean that I couldn’t do for myself and because I was a woman who could do for herself, it didn’t mean that I always had to. (Dad is a GENIUS!) 🙂
So, if enjoying it when a man (or anyone really) holds open my door, helps me with my coat or chair is wrong, I sure as hell don’t wanna be right. 😉
And, in turn, I also think it is just fine for a woman to hold a door for her man. (Or anyone for that matter) Why do things, simple things like manners, have to have someone trying to twist them into “zones”? Would someone dare say that having manners was sexist? NO! So, why is chivalry gotta be sexist? I am all for women’s rights people, but come on…this is taking it way beyond the limits of even my understanding. 😉
So, next time you are out with your significant other (or just a friend), hold that door for them, compliment their appearance and let them enjoy it. (I am pretty sure you will too)
OK, let me start this blog off with saying this: I have NOTHING against the LGBT community. I am a very big supporter of Gay Rights, which I feel are just Human Rights being twisted by those who think they can “eliminate” the Gay population.
Now, here is what I have been wondering and hoping someone can shed some light on it for me, maybe someone is going through something similar and boy! I sure can use some support here folks.
When the Teen (girl, 15) started the 6th grade she found out that one of her guy friends was gay. No real shocker there, we roll with that kind of stuff in our house. Anyway, between the 6th and 8th grade it seems like there was a boom in kids coming out as gay, bi-sexual, Gender Fluid or Trans Gender and it got me to thinking/wondering if this was a new “trend” or was there something to this.? I know that kids are being raised in a more tolerant/accepting way than they were in my day and I am all for that, but what made this boom happen?
We are a very open family, we talk about EVERYTHING…I mean, NO topic is off limits with us or our kids. We encourage them to ask questions and seek out answers as we want them well informed with the truth and not propaganda. Make sense? I sure hope so…Anyway, when the Teen entered high school (grade 9 here) she went to her dad and had a conversation that had her telling him about her girlfriend, “Amy” (no real names) and how they were dating. (I heard all this go down from my bedroom) Mr. Steel took it in stride, since we had already met Amy and had her over a few times in our home and I had already met her parents, there was not too much to ask about…except, when did she start liking girls in that way?. Of course, Mr. Steel didn’t ask THAT question, he left that one to me. lol So, the next morning, on the drive to school, I asked her if she was a lesbian. She didn’t miss a beat, she told me No, because she still found men attractive in a “sexual” way. (she did the air quotes. lol) She felt she was more bi-sexual, at that time.
So, here we are a little over a year later and she has decided that she has days where she is more male in her feelings than a woman and days where she finds herself more in a “female state of mind”. (again, her quote) She still likes to dress “girly”, but also has times where she prefers a more masculine tone to her wardrobe; which is why she recently bought herself a bra/binder to wear on her “boy days”. (A binder is like a sports bra, it holds the breasts in to the point of you can’t tell she has breasts. I know some athletes wear these too.) And, on these more “male” days she prefers to go by the name James. *this is the name she would have been given had she been born a boy*
I am not sure what I think right now. Part of me thinks that maybe she is just trying to find herself, find where she feels more comfortable with herself. Then, there is another part of me that wonders, just a bit, if this came about because so many of her friends (and other people in her age range) are coming out and she is just curious.? She met a young man, “Eve”, who prefers to be a female. She dresses as a female, even at school, the school is starting to recognize her as a girl now too. (Her parents, well, that is a whole other story.) I don’t want to stifle the Teen in any way, but I want her to make any and all decisions for the right reasons, not because it is the “trendy” thing to do. Am I making ANY sense here, at all?
I am so confused myself. She is not shy about it, she is even opening up more when around my parents and other family members, so we just follow her lead. She doesn’t announce it to everyone, so we don’t either. We feel that this is the best way to go about this, for now at least.
Honestly, we had thought for many years that it would be the man child to come out as gay. We had prepared ourselves for that day, but he surprised us and is totally a woman only kinda man. (his words on that subject)
I have talked to my “gusbands” (my gay husbands) about this and they encourage us to do just what we are doing and even they are starting to hear about and see more kids her age coming out more and more, and are wondering the same things I am. We don’t want to question her too much on this topic, we don’t ever want her to think we are judging her or not supportive of her, we will always support her in her life choices because that is what parents do.
I have just had this rattling around in my brain for a while now and I am not even sure if this blog came out right…but it sure feels good to “talk” to y’all about it and I would love feedback. (If you are going to spew negativity, don’t waste your time…honest opinions, I can deal with…not bashing.)
Thank you for reading and just being here as we walk this path with her and try to help her as much as we possibly can with whatever comes her way. ❤