When you came along I was already a bratty kid with a pre-formed notion of what a dad was, and to be honest it was not a good notion. To me, at the young age of 6 years old, a Dad was a guy who was in and out of my life at the drop of a hat. He came and went with the wind, he was like a fleeting dream; sometimes there would come flashes of good memories and then sometimes in the deep darkness of my 6 year old mind there would come the bad and painful memories that I would try to push down deep and try to forget. I was a very angry 6 year old child, but tried not to show it so I wouldn’t hurt other peoples feelings.
When you came along and made it clear that you wanted to make a family with my mom and me I wasn’t too sure what to make of that. I mean, I wasn’t so sure if trusting you was a smart thing for me to do or not. You gave every effort to include me into your life, into the decisions that you and mom were making and yeah, that made me feel a bit better but, well, I was still a very angry child.
But, here is the thing Dad, I was never angry at you. I know that over the years it may have seemed that I was angry with or at you, but I wasn’t. I was mad at everyone else, but never you. I just never knew how to express that to you. At first, for many years, I was mad at mom. Why? Because, deep down inside my child sized brain, I figured that there had to be blame to be placed on her for why things went the way they did with my father and her. I was mad as hell at him too, trust and believe I was mad at him for oh so many years, too many to count really. But, because he was not there to express it to or take it out on and you and mom were, that is where my anger went…you and mom.
You would think that as the years went on that I would have gotten over it all, huh? Anger is a tricky thing I have learned, you can think you got over something but you really haven’t. Anger can trick you into thinking like that, but it is all just a trick. Deep down in the dark recesses of your soul you are still carrying around your hate and anger and every now and again it seeps out and spills over, when you least expect it to.
As I grew up and was supposed to be mature I did some pretty stupid and dumb-ass stuff to you, mom and to my own family, not to mention to myself. I have no excuses, all I can say is that it took me a few years to realize that I did what I did because of years of hurt and anger that I was still holding onto from my childhood and there was only one person to blame for that…Me. I had plenty of opportunities to let it go, to deal with my anger and the reasons behind my anger, but I kept pushing it down and so called “dealing” with it. Yeah, well, that didn’t turn out so well did it?
I want you to know that I am truly sorry for taking advantage of you and mom all those times, for using your kindness, your love against you like that. I know I hurt you, I pissed you off, I disappointed you and I know there are so many other emotions I can add to the list, but those are the top 3.
I keep thinking that if I had just let go of the anger and the hurt all those years ago and just opened my heart up to you from the start and let you in, no holds barred, then it probably would have saved us all a great deal of pain and wasted time. If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be that. You have been a Dad from day one to me, you have always seen me and treated me as yours and dared anyone to say different. I thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart and soul.
It is from you that I learned, after many years…many, many years, what a real man is, how a man should treat a woman and how a Dad should treat his children, blood or not. Blood does not make a family, Love makes a family.
‘Any man can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy’
Thank you for being my Daddy!