So, do you know anyone that, when stressed or trying to work through something, talks it through out loud or “bitches” about whatever it is until you cannot stand it any longer?
I do. Mr. Steel is like that.
Whenever he is frustrated or trying to work through something, usually our budget, he will talk it out…out loud. He is usually a very calm person, taking life in stride, but when it comes to hurdling a problem he MUST talk it out so the whole house can hear him and hear his frustration. This used to really bring my mood down. Why? Because it used to make me feel like he was “bitching” at me and that would trigger something inside of me, something haunting me from my past. I would just sit quietly by until I couldn’t take it any longer, usually an hour or two, and then I would get defensive. I mean, I would get anxious and down right pissy towards him, this would then in turn get the kids anxious and out of sorts too. I finally talked to him about this and he just didn’t seem to get it. He would look at me like I was the crazy one and tell me I was too sensitive. Maybe I was, but that didn’t seem to make it OK…you know?
Well, after about a year of dealing with this, I realized there was a pattern to his “madness”. I had to step back and really pay attention to what was going on and when. I noticed that he only did this when he was really struggling to work through something, a project or, like I said, our budget. I also noticed that once I gave him his space and time it only took him a few hours (at most a couple of days) to work through the issue and find a solution.
Money issues are the killer in any relationship and if you let it, it will destroy even a good relationship. Once again, I sat him down and we had a talk about this. I started off telling him that yes, I may be sensitive but he had to understand why; so this is when I explained my relationship with my ex-husband, more so than I had ever explained to him before. Mr. Steel knew, from the get go, that my ex was an abuser. The thing was, he didn’t fully know to what extent and that was hard for me to get through, but I did it. Thankfully, Mr. Steel listened…truly listened to what I had to say before he spoke.
It took him about an hour of mulling over everything I had told him before he came back in, sat down and told me this:
He told me that he knew he ranted and raved while trying to work through a problem, but he didn’t understand exactly what he was saying or how he was saying it. (See, it’s not always WHAT someone is saying, but mostly HOW they are saying it that gets under our skin.) He and I made a deal from that day on, that when he started to get a bit “out of hand” I was to tell him and even explain if I had to and he promised that he would truly hear me and made appropriate changes.
It took me a bit to get used to speaking up, another issue that stems from my past relationships, but I did it. You know what? It worked! It actually helped us both to communicate better in our marriage. I think it might have actually saved our marriage. We also made a pact to never argue about money, I mean, it’s either there or it’s not so what is to argue about? Arguing won’t make money suddenly appear, right? That too took a huge load off my shoulders, as I used to always think he was bitching about lack of money and somehow that was my cross to bare.
I have learned many things from my wonderful husband, but this was by far the best ever! People think we are crazy because we hardly ever argue and when it comes to money, we NEVER argue. We have had spats, of course, everyone does…and we can frustrate the hell out of one another and again, that comes along with being in a relationship; we just prefer to talk things out like rational adults. (Yes, there have been times that one of us has had to walk away for a time before coming back and being that rational adult…usually it is me.) 🙂
So, the lesson here is this: LISTEN to one another, TALK to one another…if you have to walk away to calm down, then please do so, it really does matter. And, realize what I did…money isn’t the issue, the issue is how you support one another through the highs and the lows. He is right, the money is either going to be there or it’s not…there is no in-between. You cannot change that fact, so why let it weigh you down and wreck havoc in your relationship?
This is just me rambling tonight…but I hope I helped even one of you with my “sage” advice.
Well, when they tell you to go with your instincts they are right, just go with them and be prepared for what you may find. You’re bound to find ANYTHING but the normal, trust me. This is how my Monday morning started, I trusted my instincts and even though I had thought better of it, I went on and listened to my gut and called my mom anyway. *One thing I should mention right now, before we go any further is this: things that my mom say can and will probably contradict themselves throughout this blog and blogs to come as the story unfolds…I have already learned things today that proves that, but they may not make it into this particular blog but may make it into future blogs, so I just wanted to throw it out there for you in case you started to get confused.*
So. I called my mom this morning for an every day casual check in, just to see how things had gone over the weekend; I do this every couple of days actually just to touch base with her and to fill her in on what’s been happening here on our end. We only live about an hour from one another, but we don’t get to see one another but maybe every couple of weeks (especially in the winter months) so it is nice to keep in touch. Any way, I digress…She asked me if I had spoken to my man child recently and I had not so then she asked if I had checked out his girlfriend’s facebook page lately, which again I had not. I explained that the gf and I are not fb friends, I’m not the stalker type of mom, I figured if and when she wanted to open that part of her life up to me she would friend me…no harm and no foul. Well, my mom says these words like they are some kind of magic spell/bad omen: “I think she is trans gendering!”. I must say that I was a bit stunned, I really had no idea that she was even thinking of doing anything remotely like that…NONE. So, I move my mouse of the screen and find her page, which has enough photos for me to get the general gist of what is going on. She has changed her name on her page to a male name and she has changed her appearance to a very manly look, hair cut into a very manly cut; which I will say is a VERY GOOD look on her. She actually makes a very handsome young man, actually a better looking man than she did a woman. Now, I’m not saying she was an ugly young woman, she wasn’t/isn’t, but she just happens to look better as a man. So, if that is what she is going for…success for her.
Now, this is where the call with my mom gets a bit “odd”. (sigh) I asked her how she found this out and she tells me that she saw something that the man child posted on his page and she followed the link back to “his” page and saw the name change and the photos of “his” new look. OK, so she played Sherlock…points for her. 😉 She then starts to fire off these points/questions at me:
- How will this all effect the man child? Well, apparently he is aware of what is going on and he is still with “him”, so I’m guessing they are working through this together.
- What about having children? Mom, “He” is still technically a woman and that is between them…IF they ever come to that point in their relationship.
- How will he deal with what people are going to say about HIM? I don’t know. He will have to handle it or leave. Those are his only 2 options, this will test him more than anything else in life. I will talk to him about this for sure, he has to know that a shit storm of ignorance is about to come both their ways and they have to both be prepared for it. I know his dad and I will have his back for sure.
- Well, I have gay cousins on my dad’s side of the family. OK. But, neither one of them are gay. Trans Gender does not mean gay, mom.
- I wonder how long this has been going on? No clue. Does it matter?
- Yes! It’s not fair if she knew this all this time and does this to him like this! I don’t think there was any “trickery” involved, mom.
Now, to be honest with you, I had thought more and more about the last comment long after I hung up with my mom. That one comment had gotten to me more than the others. Why? Well, what if “he” knew for years that “he” felt more like a man than a woman and had been hiding it? What if “he” went into this relationship with my son knowing that “he” would one day “come out”? Is that fair to my son? Is that fair to “him”? Well, I called my son and I talked to him about this and I was a bit surprised and not really surprised all at the same time at what he told me.
My man child told me that he had a “feeling” for a few months that something was up and they finally talked about it a couple months ago, he does love her/”him” still as the person he knows and right now the gender thing is not so much an issue with him. I get that, I really do. Love is love. That is how I raised my children. Love is Love.
I asked him if he was prepared for the onslaught of ignorance that was bound to come both their way and he assured me that they both were, not that it eased my mind or my heart any, but I have to accept that he feels that they are. No matter what, I stand with my children.
I know that it is quite possible that I will lose friends over this, but then again, were they true friends if they choose to leave over this? My outlook on this is: NO. I cannot make life choices for my grown children, he is an adult and makes his own choices in life and whether or not I agree with them, I will always stand with him in the end. He is my son, my flesh and bone, a part of me…forever. For me, it is that simple. Love is Love.
As I sit here, surrounded by the furkids, I have no idea what to title this blog or even where it is going. So, I am just going to go with the flow and see where it takes me. Hang on Minions, this could get bumpy.
We have had a lot going on here at the SWW home, some of it good and some of it not so good, but I have started to realize just who is and who isn’t in my corner. I mean, look, friendship is like any relationship, if there is no communication then the friendship is going to start breaking down and fast. Friendship is a two-way street, and if you are willing to call someone your friend then you should be able to talk to them about what is on your mind…good or bad.
That is why I am so glad that Hubby and I have such good communication; it is not perfect by any means, but it is pretty damn good. I do think we have a pretty damn good marriage too. He spoils me in ways that you cannot put a monetary amount on and to me, that is the best way to spoil me. He does dishes, he cleans the bathroom, he washes his own work clothes and he will take a day off work if I am too sick to move. Whenever I have been in the hospital he has been there, unless he was at work or doing something for/with the kids and I encourage that with all my heart. I have a great man and I thank God for him every day. And you know what? I love it when other people see and acknowledge that I have a great man for a Hubby! Sounds a bit conceited, but well….so what. LOL
Do not get me wrong here folks, Hubby and I can argue with the best of them. Or well, I guess I should say that I can argue with the best of them. LOL Hubby is not one who likes to argue. He will say his peace, very rarely raising his voice, and be done with it. Me? HELL NO! LOL I like a good argument every now and again; and it’s funny because Hubby is just now learning to let me have one (even if it’s just one-sided) every now and again. I can laugh at that now, but in the heat of the moment, nope…not laughing. He is the calm in my storm and I have been that for him. Isn’t that what any relationship is about? Give and Take…not give and give or take and take….compromise, loyalty, faith, love….it all makes up a relationship. (there are more elements, but I think you get the idea. 😉 )
I try to teach my children that it is ok for mom and dad to get upset with one another, yell even, sometimes call names (we try not to do this around them, even as they are older now), because no matter what, we will always love one another and them. We tell them that just because we get upset with them, and punish them and yell at them, we don’t stop loving them…that is because sometimes we have to get loud once in a while to show how much we care. Remember when your parents used to tell you, “If I didn’t love you so much I wouldn’t waste my time yelling at you!”? LMAO That’s it…right there. If I didn’t care so damn much, I wouldn’t even waste my time with you. So, yes, we fight…we fight for our love.
OK, I told you I had no idea where this blog was going when I started it…if you hung on this long, thank you! I just have some stuff I am trying to work through and needed a place, a safe place, to “talk” it out.
Now Minions, go tell those you love, those you count as family, that you love them…even if you have to scream it at the top of your lungs…GO…Tell….Them.
Peace, Love and Loudness….